Response to Why I Left The Church Is Also Why I'm Going Back

A friend on Facebook posted this. Spoiler: The woman who had to go through a "grueling" repentance process, who felt unbearably uncomfortable and unworthy in church and therefore left ended up being diagnosed with a severe panic disorder, anxiety, and a hormone imbalance. But instead of focusing on that--how the problem wasn't her spirituality and how she wasn't doing anything wrong--instead she makes the moral that she needed to rely on god and not think that she could do it all herself. She flippantly glosses over the psychiatric help she got.

I know I shouldn't expect more from a site called LDS Living, and I probably should have just scrolled past the post and not read it, but this aggravated me. Mainly this was because my own psychiatric issues are what made church unbearable and miserable for me and to hear someone who had similar issues not make the connection that they, not her "sin," were what was making church hard and that it was completely understandable to stop going to church because of it is so ridiculous to me. I feel for her so much, and I wish that church teachings didn't have the habit of influencing members to always blame themselves when they are not happy at church. She had health issues. They take the sacrament to people who can't come to church because of health issues--there is some understanding that sometimes it's not possible to get to church. But apparently if the problems are not obvious/invisible/mental, they don't count?

Also, I found the initial dramatic buildup to the confession that she had been inactive for the past year so sad. Why does it have to have so much stigma? Why does it have to be so scary to confess that? Why aren't members less judgmental and more sympathetic?

Trapped

I feel trapped.  The people who are less than close friends and who I know like me, and who enthusiastically and regularly tell me so, probably don't know what I would call the "real me."  They see the outside varied cheerfulness and don't expect the darkness within.

I'm sure this is a common problem.  "You don't know me!"  "If you only knew how I really was!"

I have a psychological need to confirm to them that I am like they think I am.  I plan ways to do emotional acrobatics to keep on a brave smiling face and not weasel out of social functions. 

What am I afraid of?  That they won't like me?  I'm trying to accept the thought that I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. 

I have to remind myself that their reaction will not necessarily be "she's got issues/she's an apostate/she needs some fellowshipping/she needs more attention than we're already giving her/she's wrong."  Maybe it's possible to be an example to them of a non-traditional Latter-day Saint whose opinions are just as valid.

"If I won't be gay in the next life, maybe I'll just kill myself."

Let me summarize what the problems with President Packer's remarks were.

1. The logic that God wouldn't pre-set someone a certain way and not allow them to change it is faulty.  Every day children are born with mental and physical handicaps which they can't overcome.  You can't pray away Down Syndrome or AIDS.  I don't at all mean to cast being gay in a negative light by comparing it with disorders.  Also, and maybe I'm wrong about this, but I don't think God sends down temptations and challenges like Jove sends down lightening bolts.  He doesn't hurl one at a baby in the womb and say, "You shall be born with a missing toe!  Muahahaha!"  There are so many steps that are included in forming a child.
2. "Remember, He is our father."  So if God doesn't "pre-set" people that way, then that means it must be purely a temptation from Satan.  That really isn't a cheery thought, and that's not reassuring.  "It's not God's doing!  It's just Satan!  So you can overcome the temptation!"  Except when you can't and you can't change the way you feel.
3. Gay people already have a hard life cut out for them by being different from the accepted norm.  Add to that the pressure of being a teenager, and perhaps being misunderstood and not accepted by parents and friends ("You don't have to live with this problem!  You can change!  All the problems associated with it will go away."), and you can see why so many gay teens are depressed and suicidal.  Saying that homosexuality does not exist in the next life gives gay teens quite the reason to commit suicide.  If they try and try and can't change and "fail," then maybe death seems like a better option, especially if it is supposed to bring relief from same-sex attraction.  "If I won't be gay in the next life, maybe I'll just kill myself."
4. What you call "impure" and "unnatural," they call love.  Please show some tact and compassion.

Top responses to "I Have Depression."

Happy one-year anniversary to me of having depression!  Yaaaaay.  It started last summer, got  worse Fall semester, then spiraled out of control Winter semester.  And that's my story so far.  Here are my favorite responses I've heard when I tell people (at church) about my situation:

1. Everyone has their ups and downs.

2. What made you so sad?

3. Pray and read your scriptures/conference talks and you will get through this!

4. This is very common.

My responses:

1. Yes, everyone has sad and happy times in their life.  Did you honestly think I didn't know that?  The thing is, not everyone has the same challenges.  Not everyone has clinical depression.  Just because it has emotional symptoms does not mean it's not a medical disease.

2. A chemical imbalance in my brain that not even science has figured out yet.

3. Praying/reading scriptures/any other gospel activity will help the same way they will help you during any struggle or problem: they provide perspective and comfort, for example.  But they do not cure depression.  They could also help someone with diabetes feel better, but it's not going to take away the diabetes!  I think this is the misconception that makes me angriest: Depression is purely emotional, so it can be cured the way other negative emotions are cured.  If you're sad or mad, reading the scriptures can make you feel better, so naturally reading them can get rid of your depression.  

4.  You're nothing special.  Quit complaining.  Lots of people get really sad (see #1).

In short, people who respond this way mean well (I think), but what they really are is dismissive.  They're not trying to understand how I feel; they're just trying to patch it up and make it better.  But you can't fix something if you don't know how it broke in the first place and in what way it's broken now.

Do you know why, as someone with clinical depression, I identify with those who are Mormon and gay?  Because a similar misunderstanding exists and similar excuses are made.  Depressed people don't deal with nearly as much stuff as gay people do, but I do see similarities, such as:

Both groups are living contrary to God's law.

Depressed people are obviously still living with some sin they haven't repented of, or they wouldn't be so sad!  They are probably not reading their scriptures, praying, going to church, paying tithing, fulfilling their callings, etc. enough!  Being happy all the time means you're being righteous all the time!

Gay people are just plain wrong.  They should stop liking the same gender and switch to liking the other one.  Duh.

They could be cured if they just have enough faith.

If you still have depression, you must have not had enough faith so far to be healed.  It's all up to you.  This is not an actual "medical" disease that needs to run its course at all!  You're just sad!  Really sad, that is, but still–it's just an emotional problem.  See above for why you are so sad.

Homosexuality is a temptation nigh unto a disease.  Have faith and you will be cured.  If you haven't been cured already, you must not want to be badly enough.  Even though it is a temptation, just ignore Paul's bit about having a thorn in his side that was never taken away even though he prayed for it.  Paul obviously wasn't faithful enough!  Yes he was an apostle, but. . . .let's change the subject.

That "they" they're always talking about

So who am I afraid of when I'm afraid of being judged?

Fire side speakers and general authorities whose messages seemed restrictive at the time I probably just took too literally, so not them.  And even though I think that everyone in the ward is just waiting to call you out for doing something wrong, I don't think that's how they really are.  I think I should instead direct my anger towards Satan, because he's the real culprit.  He's the one making me feel judged, because he's judging me!  He wants me to feel awful and bad about myself.

Even though I do have an exaggerated view of who is just ready to judge me, there are a few people who bother me mainly because they are this nightmare come true: they really do judge me.  I do mainly blow it out of proportion, but these people I'm right about.  They include the former youth leaders who tell me that praying and reading scriptures will end my depression because I won't be separated from God.  And it's those dang Daily Universe readers' forum writers.  Those are the judgmental, narrow-minded idiots I loathe and am afraid of.  

In the end, it doesn't matter what people think of me.  All that matters is what I think and what God thinks --not because I'm afraid of Him, but because He has the clearest view of how I am and the best intentions.  

Peace, love, and happy Easter!

Don't judge me

You know what I wish?  I wish people weren't so quick to label someone as doing something or thinking something that's "wrong."  It's not necessarily wrong; it just may be different.  People seem to just automatically denounce someone without learning his/her (werf's) whole story.

People who do this peeve me so much, and a large part of the reason is I used to totally be like that and have since seen how wrong I was.  

Don't denounce people who are emo/suicidal/depressed.  They're not just some selfish, overly dramatic person.

Don't denounce gay people.  They're looking for love too, and you have no idea how they feel.  I think it would be cool to make a version of West Side Story/ Romeo and Juliet where instead of the two leads being from different families, they were both the same gender and from bigoted families.  That would get people thinking.

Don't denounce feminists.  It's not that we don't want to be mothers, it's that we don't want that to be a choice made for us by society.  And whoever says she doesn't need an education because she's just going to be a stay-at-home mom is an idiot (and will stay that way.  Ha ha.)  If you know me well, you know that I want to be a mom so much.  I really do dream about being a mom and having kids.  But that doesn't mean I don't have other dreams, too (like being a teacher and doing humanitarian work and getting an education).  To me, being a mom is more important than these other goals I have, but I still have other goals and don't want to be told by some pinhead that I'm listening to Satan when I say that (OK, this was inspired by today's Daily Universe letters "What Is Most Important" and "Refresher Course."  I really need to write a separate post on this.)

Don't denounce people of other religions.  They aren't necessarily hard-hearted (though I will admit that some are; but there are hard-hearted Mormons too, folks), and they're not backwards, sinful, or ignorant.  Instead of saying that other religions have "slivers of truth" that are just little pieces of what we believe, we need to see what doctrines other religions talk about that we have forgotten about or ignore.  There are good people searching for truth in every religion.  And there are stupid, narrow-minded, hypocrites and every religion too, probably.  Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare.

That's about it for now.  Basically every point I need to expand into a separate post (and I will, I promise).  I have already addressed the emo/suicidal/depressed issue in the post "Happy Happy Joy Joy."

Peace and love.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

One of my biggest complaints with LDS culture (remember-not the Gospel itself, but the culture that twists the truths of the Gospel) is the notion that if we just have enough faith and do everything right (e.g. read scriptures, pray, go to church, pay tithing, fulfill callings, etc.) we should always be happy.  Really, if you're sad, you're doing something wrong.  Obviously.  "Men are that they might have joy" and all that, you know?  Well, "joy" does not mean being perkily, heel-clicking happy all the time.  Joy can be just a calm peace amidst the storms of life; it is the core solidarity in times of change and confusion.  This solidarity comes from knowing the truth of the Gospel.  Unfortunately, many people think having "joy" means always having a great day and smiling.  

I was recently diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and it has been increasingly obvious to me that people are mistaken about why people are sad.  So often, it's said that having the Gospel brings happiness and that only those who know the truth are truly happy.  Yes, that's true.  But happy as in the happiness that comes from knowing the truth (as in the elimination of existential angst); it isn't always the same kind of "happy" you feel when it's your birthday or you eat your favorite food or that cool guy asks you out.

Since I was tired of hiding how I really felt (clinically depressed) and tired of cringing every time people asked, "How are you?" and clearly just expected me to say, "Good, how are you?" and move on with the conversation, I posted a note on facebook explaining what was going on in my life: I was like the sad little Zoloft blob who felt no interest in things anymore, I had insomnia from the racing thoughts I had from anxiety, my medication hadn't kicked in yet and was only making me exhausted, I had physically injured myself to deal with the pain.  Loads of people responded, and most were helpful and good.  I had spelled out in my note that no, I didn't want advice and that the most meaningful thing someone could do is just be there for me and able to listen.

Some of the responses were not so pleasing, and they were from adults in my home ward.  One of their messages included the phrase, "We all have our ups and downs."  The other was from a previous youth leader who is one of those people who is always perky and grateful for EVERYTHING.  The gist of her message was to read my scriptures and pray more and I would feel better, God is so close to me and wants me to succeed, and read two talks from the past General Conference: "The Infinite Power of Hope" and "Come What May and Love It."  "Come What May and Love It"?  Really?  Yes, I just love cutting myself with a knife!  Yippee!  This message also said that hope was on the way!  OK, so the basic message is that I am sad because I am separated from God; to close the gap, I need to read scriptures and pray more.  I am not separated from God at all!  At.  All.  This is a mental illness, not a manifestation of my iniquity and how I've turned my back on God!

Most of the time, I feel unmotivated and blah.  Sometimes I have bursts of enthusiasm for something.  I noticed on facebook that my friends mostly update their statuses when they have something good to share, and I felt myself doing that.  I felt myself trying to find the good and put on that happy face for the world when I felt miserable.  So I just updated my status to say that I was unhappy, but that that was OK.  Well, one of the perky little pixies in my ward commented by saying, "Oh no!  I hope you feel better!  And then that will be even more OK!"  OK, sweetie, I think you're missing the point.  There is no "more OK."  How I feel is OK.  There is nothing wrong with how I feel, OK?  I don't need to be fixed.

People have skipped over "mourning with those that mourn" and "comforting those that stand in need of comfort."  They're just on automatic fix-it mode.  Lessons about trials always emphasize that we can get over them!  Yay!  But what beauty there is in having someone say, "I know your life sucks right now.  I'm sorry.  I'm here for you."  Gosh, that is so much better than having someone tell you exactly how to fix your problem (which really is being "separated from God.")  Let's please acknowledge that having trials doesn't mean you're doing something wrong.

Rivaling the usefulness of telling a depressed person to read scriptures and pray more is the idea that the trials are going to help you be SO MUCH STRONGER and that God KNOWS THAT YOU CAN HANDLE IT and TRUSTS YOU or else He wouldn't have "sent" this trial.  I was just browsing pieces of flair on facebook under the subject "depression" and found a pin that says, "God gives us tests because He knows we are strong enough to pass them."  1. That doesn't make me feel better.  2. Some sucky things are just life; God doesn't spend time picking and choosing what to afflict us with.  He is our father.  Yes, parents help you through trials and give you counsel.  But do they purposely afflict you with trials?  No.  Does the mom of a middle schooler call up a classmate and ask her to be especially catty to her daughter so that her daughter can learn valuable lessons from having a bully at school?  NO!  It doesn't help me to hear how much stronger I'm going to be at the end of this, because who knows when that's going to be?  And what about now?  What do I do about this now?  I found another flair pin that said, "If pain is weakness leaving the body, I must have superhuman strength."  Amen to that, brotha!  

I am sad, and that's OK.  Get off my case.

Peace out.